Xmas Feelings

As I've grown older, it's become more apparent that the feeling you got on certain holidays when you were younger changes as you grow. Maybe this is an obvious statement, but it's just become more obvious to me lately.

When I was little, Christmas had this certain feeling. It's hard to explain - you really have to be in my head to truly get it - but there was this feeling, both of impending excitement and just feeling really immersed in the tradition. We used to go to my grandmother's every Christmas Eve, for hors d'oeuvres and snacks, and just hanging with family. Now, my memory's a bit shot, so I don't remember exactly what I was doing, but I remember the occurrence. (We also used to go to The Banquet Centre for Christmas celebrations on Christmas Eve, and I remember singing on the stage there and watching random cartoons.) But just the act of doing that made Christmas, and the thought of Christmas, feel a certain way.

This might sound melodramatic or silly or whatever, but ever since we moved away from the majority of my dad's side of the family, here to the Ottawa area, Christmas has felt different. Maybe it's being removed from family; maybe it's being removed from the small town, familiar atmosphere I always felt/feel when I go home; whatever it is, the feeling changed. Christmas felt alien; well, that's perhaps the wrong choice of words. It just felt like it was any other day.

There was no sense of building anticipation. I stopped leaving out cookies and milk (and carrots) for Santa and the reindeer. There was no sense of bonding with family; I mean, they were still there, but for some reason, the same FEELING wasn't there. Everything changed when we moved. That's so weird to me, and I do miss the feeling. I get the feeling whenever I go back to see my family where most of them still live, and I see the snow, and the houses. The feeling comes back, even if it's not Christmas; just that feeling of familiarity and comfort and tradition.

I've decided I need to have that feeling wherever I decide to settle, finally. I love that feeling; I don't necessarily need to live in the same place, but I need to be able to feel the feeling. Where we live now, I really don't feel it. I've never liked it here; I've met some amazing people here, had some great experiences, but I've never truly enjoyed my time here, and even though my life would be insanely different if we had never moved, and I don't know if it would be better or worse, I still miss the feeling and I need it wherever I live.

It's hard to explain a feeling; but it's in my head and for some reason, I wanted to put it out there, even though I'm certainly not doing the feeling justice. Maybe it's as simple as missing dressing up in a velvet dress on Christmas Eve, or as complicated as missing familiarity and bonding. Whatever it is, it's there. And I have never felt that feeling, and don't think I will ever feel that feeling, here in this place. It's the way I know I will never be able to live the rest of my life in this area.

Well, that was semi-depressing! I still enjoy Xmas to the hilt - despite not being at all religious, but really, is this holiday really about that anymore? I don't think so, really, just due to the commercial stuff and also just about it being more about love and giving than anything to do with some higher power only a few people believe in - but here is different.

This also stems from apparently just wanting to settle down.

I might need a job first. In my chosen field. Preferably.

That Stupid McDonald's Commercial

I just said something while talking to my far away (too far away) boyfriend about that stupid McDonald's commercial.

The stupid McDonald's commercial I'm referring to here is the one where it's the young couple have just moved into their first house together. The woman gets her (I'm assuming fiancee) a McDonald's gift card, and meanwhile, he's created a lovely setting for their McDonald's dinner. He made a Christmas tree out of packing boxes and draped Christmas lights, and then she gives him the card and they eat and stuff. That commercial is on EVERY YEAR, and its effect never changes for me. I used to hate it because it was adorable and I wasn't in a good relationship and that's all I wanted. Now, and for the past couple of years, I hate it because I'm in a great, amazing relationship and I still can't have.

What I said was: "I just want the moments." And it's true. That's all I want - the tiny moments that make up a true life together. And I can't have it yet. That's neither of our faults; we both have lives, and things we're working towards. My goodness, he's still in school! So it's not like it's really fixable. But if anything, that entitles me to a certain amount of complaining about it!

I just really liked what I said and wanted to put it somewhere. I want the moments. Especially at this time of year, I want the moments. I want to start traditions, with him, with our friends, with our families. But we can't yet and it bothers me.

That stupid McDonald's commercial.

Motivation

Motivation is an interesting thing. I feel like my motivation was at least passable when I was still in school, having to do work and work under tight deadlines while doing a show and somehow still managing to have friends. But as I've been living outside of the bubble of school, I feel that it's gotten worse.

Now it's turned into phases. I go through phases of applying for jobs, phases of social life stuff, phases of college planning/deciding, just phases. It's like now that I'm not paying for anything educational, forcing me to be at least a little motivated so I can get my money's worth, graduate and get some experience while it's still sort of easy, I can't get going. I'm working, at a part-time job, and that's great; money's coming in and I'm actually coming to like it a lot, more than most part-time jobs I've had. But I still need to continue looking for jobs in my field. I mean, I've made some strides there, making some connections with some event planning companies, and some trade shows, so that's awesome, but you know, I could always be doing more. And maybe that's just me being hard on myself - that happens a lot, and will probably never stop happening - but I still feel like I could be doing more.

But every time I come home from work, or even have the day off, I often can't bring myself to do anything, let alone search for jobs or connections or even talk to people sometimes!

I don't really know where this blog post is going. I just wanted to comment on it, I guess. (For a specific example: it has taken me about two hours to get this far in this blog post, and who knows how long it'll be before it gets posted.) Motivation is something that differs from person to person, but I think everyone has a struggle with it at some point in their lives, no matter who they are. It might be small, it might be a huge thing, but I think there'll be a moment where everyone feels they're not doing enough but can't make themselves do it either.

Again. No real comment on this, just kind of how it makes me feel. Which is guilty. And weird. And wishing I could fix it but it's hard to force myself, and I don't really want to force myself to be doing stuff so important to the rest of my life. So I'll keep trying, and it's not like it's not something I want to do. I want to work in my field so badly, and I'm offering to volunteer for events with some people because I just want to work in this arena so much. Maybe it's just a passing thing, and it'll get better. It usually does.

This was all brought on by the fact that it took me a month and a bit to even write a blog post, about anything. Only a little sad. Whoops.