Relationship Prison?

I recently read an article from Thought Catalog entitled "Why Being Single Is Completely Awesome." I thought, going in, that it would maybe be an affirmation of why you don't need another person to complete you. Maybe it'd help some people feel better - and that's damn true - you don't need someone else to live your life, and you definitely shouldn't always be on the path of looking for another relationship. You can either let it happen or just take some time for yourself.

It certainly seemed to start out like that. I really liked this sentence: "Being single doesn't necessarily disregard the importance of companionship and love." That's great, because being single doesn't mean you're an unwanted, bitter spinster (also mentioned in the opening of the piece). It doesn't mean that finding love is no longer important; to me, being single just means that you're in your own place for the moment, and being in love might even be something you're not looking for right now. And that is fine, and even good; being single SHOULD be completely awesome! Again, I liked this: "...but they also know that being in a relationship is not the end-all-be-all of your awesomeness." That's a great message, because sometimes, that's how relationships are treated, that you can only be happy, only be your best person, in a relationship. That's not true at all, and it's great to get the opposite message to that out there.

So why am I writing about this? And why is this titled Relationship Prison? Because the author's five kind of justifications or reasons really, really bothered me. It made bad, abusive relationships to be the norm; that was the message that jumped out at me while reading.

I have been in a relationship for almost three years, but I was also single for a long time before this relationship, and these descriptions of relationships were never what I thought of when thinking of being in a relationship. And now that I'm in a committed relationship, it is definitely not what I think of my relationship being; because I'm happy.

The first reason - well, that made some sense. You can be enamoured of people, and go on dates, and maybe find that next great love, and you're single so you're not  blocked from going on those dates and finding those other people. Sure. There's that. (At least it's not advocating cheating.)

But the next ones? I could find nothing good. This sentence: "You don't have to check in with someone if you want to travel or spend an exorbitant amount of money..." That's not okay. Addressing the first part: if you have any relationships, friendships, family ties, etc, you're going to have to check in with SOMEONE if you're going to travel. And there shouldn't be a rule in your relationship that the two of you must ALWAYS travel together. That doesn't make any sense. It makes it sound like you're kept under lock and key, having to check with your partner if it's okay for you to do something, and that's a bad relationship. The second part, about the money - if the money you're spending is coming out of your personal bank account, where you earn the money you receive, it shouldn't be up to your partner to say you can't spend money. That's a bad relationship. As long as the money isn't coming out of a joint account for the two of you, and as long as you pay your share of the bills (mortgage, rent, Internet bill, whatever), it should always be your decision to spend too much money on something. This sounds like a very controlling relationship, not to be able to do those things. I can see where their intent with this was, but in the end, all the things mentioned here, including not being able to see your family on holidays (it's called split time between families - my parents did it and still do it with our separate sides of the family!), just sound like a bad relationship that you don't want to be in.

The next part was depressing to me; that the person you're with could always wake up and leave you, and when you're single, you don't have to worry about that. It's a little sad, and if you're single, no, you don't have to worry about that. But it could happen with friends, too. And if you're sincerely worried, every day, that your partner is going to wake up and leave, that's not good. You're not in a good place if you're sincerely worried about that, every day. What REALLY bothered me about this, however, was the way they made it sound. "There will always be struggles, and you have to realise that being completely invested in another person without anything or anybody else in your life is dangerous because that person could leave you one day - and what would you be left with?" You're in a bad relationship if that is how your relationship works! If you have no other friends, and you don't go out unless you're together, and if you'd have nothing, a la Bella Swan in NEW MOON, if the person left? That's a bad relationship! (No one on Earth can pretend that Bella and Edward were not in a co-dependent, abusive relationship. Not the best thing to aspire to, and saying you'd be left with nothing if the other left - that's what TWILIGHT was ABOUT.)

The next reason given bothered me, because you can be independent in a relationship. You don't have to be married/in a relationship to be happy, to function, to be independent, go to school, work for yourself, whatever. That didn't make sense to me; it seemed to be saying if you're in a relationship, you must rely on someone else to help make every single decision; and if you're single, you can do what you want. If you're in a relationship, you should always have the option to do what you want; you should, of course, communicate your decisions and ideas to your partner, but you shouldn't be hobbled just because you're in a relationship and can no longer make any decisions. That's a bad relationship.

The last reason perhaps bothered me the most. "You can do what you want on the weekends." Again, I'm sorry, why can't you do what you want on the weekends anyway? Yes, in a relationship, you  may have some commitments, family and otherwise; but even if you're single, you're going to have those commitments sometimes. Being in a relationship does NOT mean you can't watch Netflix by yourself, or that you can't hang out with your best friend all the time. It mentioned that you don't have to shave; again, it's a bad relationship if you can't choose to do something. If I didn't feel like shaving my legs, my partner would not force me to do it because he preferred it. I can see what they MEAN; I don't like a big, bushy beard because it scratches my face when we kiss, but if he wanted to keep it, I wouldn't say, "We're in a relationship, you have to listen to me, I won't let you do that." You're adults in this relationship, presumably; continue to make your own decisions! And if you are referring to your partner as the "old ball-and-chain" - you are in a bad relationship.

You shouldn't feel like that about someone you profess to love! If you want to refer to them like that, and you feel like you're being controlled, and they don't let you do what you want or make your own decisions, you should get out. Your relationship should not be a prison. (Which is EXACTLY what ball-and-chain refers to. Imprisonment.) I know that is all easier said than done, but I mainly didn't think it was fair of this piece to make it sound like if you get in a relationship, that's how it's going to be, when happy, stable relationships do not have either partner treated in ANY of these ways. If it's so, you MAY be in a bad relationship. I also know people who spend their time together, and they're fine, but they can go off by themselves if they want to, as well.

I just felt this article did not depict relationships fairly, accurately, and seemed to be promoting singledom by disparaging relationships. Maybe I took it too seriously. But this is my blog, my opinion, and it really bothered me. So I decided to write about it. I may not be Laci Green, qualified to discuss relationships so deeply, but I do have common sense and what I consider to be a good heart, so I think that can qualify me.

The Thought Catalog article

As an addition, check out Laci's newest Sex+, about relationships!

2.5 Years Is Kind of a Long Time

So usually I don't post about stuff like this, but for today, I'm going to lift that. Just to express my wonder at how fast 2.5 years can pass, and also how 2.5 years doesn't seem long enough.

It's my anniversary today, for 2.5 years. I never, ever really and truly thought I would get to this point with anyone, let alone with the best person I've ever met. I've had long relationships but I would invariably, after a matter of months, get to the point of being unhappy, wanting to change everything about the other person, or just wanting out. I haven't gotten to that point, and I've stopped waiting, because I don't think it's coming.

That's about as far as that's going to go, since I don't exactly air my personal life on the Internet and the person this is directed at already got his own blog post (also not long - sometimes I'm not good at feelings!), so yup. I just wanted to put it somewhere, and this is my blog, and I can post what I want. So there! (No one was arguing. Because who knows how many people actually read this?)

But yeah. 2.5 years is a long time. But also feels like it's not the right measurement, like I've been here for so much longer. In a good way.

I've written a couple of sappy posts. I think it's about time to write about some history. I'll have to set that up in the next few days. I work tomorrow and Wednesday and that usually means I don't wanna write a blog post, but maybe Thursday or Friday, since I'll be stuck at home without a car for both days!

Just putting this here because I wanna.

That Stupid McDonald's Commercial

I just said something while talking to my far away (too far away) boyfriend about that stupid McDonald's commercial.

The stupid McDonald's commercial I'm referring to here is the one where it's the young couple have just moved into their first house together. The woman gets her (I'm assuming fiancee) a McDonald's gift card, and meanwhile, he's created a lovely setting for their McDonald's dinner. He made a Christmas tree out of packing boxes and draped Christmas lights, and then she gives him the card and they eat and stuff. That commercial is on EVERY YEAR, and its effect never changes for me. I used to hate it because it was adorable and I wasn't in a good relationship and that's all I wanted. Now, and for the past couple of years, I hate it because I'm in a great, amazing relationship and I still can't have.

What I said was: "I just want the moments." And it's true. That's all I want - the tiny moments that make up a true life together. And I can't have it yet. That's neither of our faults; we both have lives, and things we're working towards. My goodness, he's still in school! So it's not like it's really fixable. But if anything, that entitles me to a certain amount of complaining about it!

I just really liked what I said and wanted to put it somewhere. I want the moments. Especially at this time of year, I want the moments. I want to start traditions, with him, with our friends, with our families. But we can't yet and it bothers me.

That stupid McDonald's commercial.

Long Distance Woes

So.

I'm in a long distance relationship. I have been in a long distance relationship for two years, approximately. (Two and a half years in January.) It has been a long time, and the distance is quite significant, as my boyfriend lives FAR across the province from me. It takes me about seven hours to get to where he lives on the train, and would take probably that same amount of time, give or take two hours, to drive it. (Which I have never done, because that's a LONG way to drive by myself!)

I don't really know why I'm writing this post. Well, I do - this is always in the back of my head. Distance is hard, as I also have a few friends - and even more now that I have graduated from Queen's - who live far away with me. That's hard, having friends that far away. But having a boyfriend that far away? A serious relationship that far away? That's even harder. At least, we find it so.

I think the moments it really comes down to how hard it is are those moments when you, inevitably, have fights. Trying to have a fight, at all, in the first place, on the Internet, is difficult. Even though you're fighting, it usually gets worse because no matter how careful you are, something might not come across the way you meant it. Maybe you forgot a word, maybe you made a typo, maybe you just didn't structure your sentence properly. Either way, it might result in the other person exploding. There can be a cooling down period, but it might stretch way too long if the other person just never replies to the e-mail you made the mistake in, or doesn't reply to the apology e-mail you sent when you realised you had made a mistake. (Usually after receiving a blasting e-mail, the equivalent of screaming on the Internet.) It's not the same as living in the same house, or even the same town - you can go home, you can go into another room, but you'll still be in the same sphere when the cooling down is done and it's time to talk.

On the Internet, when the cooling down period is done - and for us, the Internet is where the majority of our exchanges take place, since I don't enjoy talking on the phone for hours on end that much - there's not an easy way to walk back into the room. Things might still not be communicated properly. Even if there's an apology, it either doesn't work or it results in a long, drawn-out fight - maybe over hours, maybe over days. That's certainly happened before. It's hard - there's no make-up hug or kiss or anything; there's just an unsatisfying resolve that you know would be better, and you could make yourself more understood, if you could simply talk to the other person face-to-face.

I think that's the hardest for me, personally. I often take things the wrong way, and usually it's because he's made a genuine mistake in his phrasing or forgot a word or simply didn't realise what kind of mood I was in. (And really, how could he? He's not actually talking to me!) It's usually my fault, taking something the wrong way but it's hard to stop. We had a bad blow-out the other day and we barely talked the following couple of days because it was hard for me to go back to it.

You'd think it would all get easier over time. You'd think you'd start being able to stop taking things the wrong way, to stop getting in stupid fights, to stop missing the other person quite as much, to stop moaning about how expensive train tickets are or how much time they take up. But it doesn't get easier. If anything, it gets harder the longer you go on.

You get tired of everything so fast. But if it's serious - if you're truly in it for the long haul - you'll stay. Even though it's hard, even though you're exhausted, you stay because you love the other person. (I know, sappy!) But it never stops being difficult to handle, and the fights are sometimes more numerous. You go through phases, though they come at different times and different intensities. It sucks, but you just have to go through it hoping it will turn out for the best, and you'll come out shining at the end, and maybe you'll finally live even as close as a street away from him.

You never stop missing the other person, either. I know this will turn out, and that's the reason we've put so much work into keeping this relationship going, and that, in turn, is the reason I know it's all going to be worth it.