Just Go to Bed

Why do I find it so hard to go to bed sometimes? I'm tired, I'd love to sleep, yet I keep refreshing Twitter, hoping to see a reason to procrastinate. Even if I'm thwarted, I make my usual round of my usual sites, hoping for something. Why is that?

Maybe I think if I don't go to sleep, the new day doesn't have to come. But there's nothing really unpleasant in the new day, at least not tomorrow. I mean, I do have to work a long shift tomorrow, but that's not terrible. I'm not trying to avoid it, at least not actively. Why do I want to put off the day?

Maybe I don't want to start another day of not having the things in my life that I want. (Being in a long distance relationship, and having severe marriage and baby fever will do that to a person.) I'm tired of days passing without my life settling down, without settling in for the long haul.

Is that why I can't sleep? You'd think it would be the opposite; that I would want to sleep, make the days come faster and pass faster, so that the days when I finally get to settle into a steady life happen faster. Yet when it comes down to it, it seems that I put off sleeping as long as possible. I sometimes don't want the new day to come, with its reminders that my life is okay, and though I'm happy, I'm not in the place I want to be, with the person I want to be with.

It's a weird conundrum, and it certainly doesn't happen all the time. You can tell it's happening right now, because I'm writing this blog post and not going to bed. It's been one of those days, and I think I'm afraid it'll be another one of those days tomorrow.

Xmas Feelings

As I've grown older, it's become more apparent that the feeling you got on certain holidays when you were younger changes as you grow. Maybe this is an obvious statement, but it's just become more obvious to me lately.

When I was little, Christmas had this certain feeling. It's hard to explain - you really have to be in my head to truly get it - but there was this feeling, both of impending excitement and just feeling really immersed in the tradition. We used to go to my grandmother's every Christmas Eve, for hors d'oeuvres and snacks, and just hanging with family. Now, my memory's a bit shot, so I don't remember exactly what I was doing, but I remember the occurrence. (We also used to go to The Banquet Centre for Christmas celebrations on Christmas Eve, and I remember singing on the stage there and watching random cartoons.) But just the act of doing that made Christmas, and the thought of Christmas, feel a certain way.

This might sound melodramatic or silly or whatever, but ever since we moved away from the majority of my dad's side of the family, here to the Ottawa area, Christmas has felt different. Maybe it's being removed from family; maybe it's being removed from the small town, familiar atmosphere I always felt/feel when I go home; whatever it is, the feeling changed. Christmas felt alien; well, that's perhaps the wrong choice of words. It just felt like it was any other day.

There was no sense of building anticipation. I stopped leaving out cookies and milk (and carrots) for Santa and the reindeer. There was no sense of bonding with family; I mean, they were still there, but for some reason, the same FEELING wasn't there. Everything changed when we moved. That's so weird to me, and I do miss the feeling. I get the feeling whenever I go back to see my family where most of them still live, and I see the snow, and the houses. The feeling comes back, even if it's not Christmas; just that feeling of familiarity and comfort and tradition.

I've decided I need to have that feeling wherever I decide to settle, finally. I love that feeling; I don't necessarily need to live in the same place, but I need to be able to feel the feeling. Where we live now, I really don't feel it. I've never liked it here; I've met some amazing people here, had some great experiences, but I've never truly enjoyed my time here, and even though my life would be insanely different if we had never moved, and I don't know if it would be better or worse, I still miss the feeling and I need it wherever I live.

It's hard to explain a feeling; but it's in my head and for some reason, I wanted to put it out there, even though I'm certainly not doing the feeling justice. Maybe it's as simple as missing dressing up in a velvet dress on Christmas Eve, or as complicated as missing familiarity and bonding. Whatever it is, it's there. And I have never felt that feeling, and don't think I will ever feel that feeling, here in this place. It's the way I know I will never be able to live the rest of my life in this area.

Well, that was semi-depressing! I still enjoy Xmas to the hilt - despite not being at all religious, but really, is this holiday really about that anymore? I don't think so, really, just due to the commercial stuff and also just about it being more about love and giving than anything to do with some higher power only a few people believe in - but here is different.

This also stems from apparently just wanting to settle down.

I might need a job first. In my chosen field. Preferably.